Cold Feet
by Emmaphantastic
Summary: "Sirus's brother?" She whispered. "He was a Death Eater," said Harry, "Sirius told me about him, he joined up when he was really young and then got cold feet and tried to leave" Rating for language and occasional mentions of adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

_In no way, do I own Harry Potter or any of the characters associated with it. Aside from Anastasia and Erin, everything mentioned in the story belongs to the fabulous Ms. Rowling._

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_**Chapter One**  
_

_**Doubt**_

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**"_My parents with their pure-blood mania, convinced that to be a Black made you practically royal…my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them." -_ Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.**

* * *

He walks nervously into the bar. He has never been to a place like this in his life. It's shabby and gloomy. The music playing from some unusual muggle device is dismal and uninspired. Sleazy. There are a few women dancing, on platforms or poles placed strategically around the room. They all have the same bored expression, as though they've done the same routine a million times before. The men in the audience don't seem to mind; they aren't looking at their faces.

He orders a whiskey and then goes to the back of the room, where he won't be disturbed. He needs to be alone with his thoughts. The dancer closest to him notices and turns slightly so he can have a better view of her. He averts his eyes. He isn't here for the women or the drink.

Interestingly, it was a Death Eater who suggested coming to a place like this.

"_If you want to be alone, you should get yourself to some slimy little muggle shithole, Mate. Go have a few drinks, take one of the birds home. I mean, they're dirty muggle birds, but it doesn't matter, does it? I mean, you can bump 'em off at the end of the night, when you're done, and you don't even have to feel guilty 'bout it. What's a little more dead scum in the world, eh? Do it meself all the time."_

Regulus has no intention of taking any of the girls home. Or killing anyone. But the Death Eater was right. No one he knows is going to look for him in a slimy muggle strip club. He wants to be alone and this is the perfect hiding place.

He still feels slightly uncomfortable being here. He was never as comfortable around women as his brother was. The dancer who has noticed him has now turned fully around and is directly facing him. She looks almost frustrated that he hasn't been paying her attention. He finds this strange but forces himself to look up at her. Her face twitches slightly, as though she's considering smiling.

She's a very attractive girl. Curvaceous. Blonde. Reminds him a little of a girl Sirius used to date. Erin somebody or other. She was a muggle-born girl who lived near Grimmauld Place. Sirius went for her deliberately to piss off their parents. It had worked spectacularly; they had beaten him senseless. Not that that stopped him seeing her again and again. He even brought her back home one weekend, when they weren't around. Regulus had been able to hear the two of them from his room. He bumped into her later in the corridor outside his room. She was in her underwear and screamed. She thought they had the house to themselves. Hadn't even known Sirius had a brother. Sirius had never bothered mentioning it.

Regulus never told his mother that Sirius was bringing girls to the house behind her back. Despite what his elder brother believes, Regulus has always quite liked him. There are a lot of things he wishes he told Sirius when he had the chance. Things like "I only wanted to be a Slytherin so Mother and Father wouldn't hate me" or "I hate the things my friends want me to do and I need someone to talk to" or "I feel like I'm making all the wrong choices and I don't know how to get out".

From an early age, Regulus has suspected Sirius didn't like him much. He was always a bit of a rebel, talking back to his mother or refusing to do what he was told. He made it plain that he wanted nothing more than to get away from his family. Regulus, on the other hand, had always wanted to be loved. No, Orion and Walburga were not ideal. Their views were unpleasant and bigoted. They could be cruel. But they were his family. And they told him they loved him. That he was a good son. That his brother was no good. What would you have done? If you'd seen the way they treated Sirius, you'd have bended too. He never wanted to suffer the way his brother had. Was wanting affection from his own family a crime? Was it really the worst thing he could have done?

He tried to reach out to Sirius at Hogwarts but, the moment he was sorted into Slytherin, it was as if he was dead to his brother. Sirius made it plain he didn't want to be seen with him and that he thought Regulus was soft.

He'd spoken a few times to Erin. Sirius had obviously filled in a few blanks for her after the uncomfortable run-in. She seemed sympathetic. She smiled at him whenever she saw him and asked him how he was doing. Then she stopped because Sirius asked her to. It was kind of annoying actually. Sirius only bothered with her for a few months before moving on anyway. He had no right to tell her what she could and couldn't do.

Now he's sitting watching a girl who looks a little like her and wishing his life was different. He's seen the Dark Lord murder in cold blood. He's seen the Dark Lord order people killed in cold blood. He's known people literally get driven mad under torture. And he runs around with them.

The initial plan was to go to Hogwarts and hopefully get into Slytherin. He had heard rumours that, if you asked the hat, it would let you choose your house. He would then survive through the next seven years, leave home and go start anew somewhere. That was what he thought when he boarded the Hogwarts Express for the first time. Eleven years old and fairly naïve, he thought that if he could just keep his head down until he was old enough to leave, everything would be fine.

Of course, it didn't happen like that. He'd made the wrong friends and the wrong choices. Before he knew what was happening, he'd somehow ended up with an ugly tattoo on his arm. A tattoo that symbolised death, destruction and evil to anyone who knew what it represented.

But now he isn't sure what he wants anymore. He has earned his family's respect. His cousins, Bellatrix and Narcissa, are delighted with him. When they found out he had joined up, they came to visit him, bringing wine and gifts, ready to celebrate, telling him they were proud of him. Now, he wonders if other people's approval is really that important.

A bell is ringing, jerking him out of his thoughts. The bartender is signalling that everyone has to go home. The girls are stepping down from their platforms, looking relieved and tired. He realises he hasn't even touched his whiskey. He downs it quickly and hurries out.

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When outside, he falls back against the wall of the pub and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do now. He doesn't feel like going home but he has nowhere else to go.

A tap on his shoulder makes him jump. It's the pretty blonde dancer. She hasn't changed; just thrown a coat on over her dancing outfit. He realizes she's followed him out.

"Erm…hello?" He says it quietly and he can hear the discomfort in his own voice. He inwardly curses himself.

"Hi there," she says softly, giving him a gentle smile, "sorry to intrude but are you alright? I was watching you in there. You seemed pretty…erm…out of it?"

"Oh," he pauses and then shakes his head quickly, "no, I'm fine. Really. You were great, by the way."

He lies back against the wall, assuming that this is the end of the conversation. But it isn't. For some reason, she's still standing there, looking at him curiously.

"You know, you're very different from the kind of guy who usually comes here. How old are you?"

"Just gone eighteen," he shrugs.

"Wow. Isn't this dump a bit of an unusual hangout for an eighteen-year-old? Don't fancy any of the trendy clubs?"

"Too many people."

"Ah," she says simply and continues looking at him. He starts to feel a little uncomfortable. He's just about to walk away when she asks another question.

"What's your name?"

There's an awkward pause. His real name is too unusual to be believable. He thinks for a moment, seeing if he can come up with some fake name. But he pauses too long. She seems to figure out that he's thinking of a lie because she shakes her head.

"It's fine, it doesn't matter," she says, "I just hope whatever it is that's going on in your life sorts itself out. See you around. Actually, I hope I don't. I hope you find somewhere better to spend your life."

She smiles, turns and walks away. She takes about six steps when he calls after her.

"Regulus!"

She turns.

"Excuse me?"

"My name. It's Regulus."

"That's an interesting name," she grins, "I'm Anastasia."


	2. Chapter 2

___In no way, do I own Harry Potter or any of the characters associated with it. Aside from Anastasia and Erin, everything mentioned in the story belongs to the fabulous Ms. Rowling._

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**_Chapter Two_**

**_Rebellion_**

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**_"He had the same dark hair and slightly haughty look of his brother, though he was smaller, slighter and rather less handsome than Sirius had been." _- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows**

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She's lying. Her name isn't Anastasia. He can tell just by looking at her. The way she smiles after she says it. She has a fake name. Just as the other girls in there are probably not called 'Honey' or 'Princess' or 'Jasmina' or 'Aurora' or whatever it is they're introducing themselves as. It's a safety thing. She doesn't want to trust a man she just met five minutes ago in a decidedly dodgy club. He doesn't blame her.

"You going somewhere, Anastasia?" He asks, deciding to play along.

"Home. I need a shower and sleep."

"Want me to walk you?"

She hesitates for a moment but nods her head.

"You know, I get asked that by guys all the time?"

"You ever take them up on it?" He asks as starts walking with her.

"Not usually," she says, smiling, "but I think I can just about trust you. I mean, you're tiny. I reckon I could take you down if you tried anything."

He mock-scowls at her.

"I'm not tiny."

"You're like eighteen," she laughs.

"So? How old are you?"

"Never ask a lady how old she is!"

"I wasn't. I was asking you. How old are you?"

She smiles for a moment and then looks slightly put out. He wonders if the joke was too much.

"I'm twenty-four," she says, to his surprise. He hadn't expected an answer.

He takes this in and they walk in comfortable silence for a few minutes. He's familiar with the area. It's not far from his own home. He appreciates the strangeness of the situation, that he's walking some muggle girl he doesn't even know the real name of home at God knows what time and, only a short mile away, his mother is probably sitting in heated debate with her friends on the best punishment for blood traitors. He smiles to himself. This one tiny act of rebellion makes him feel like less of a failure.

They arrive at a small terraced house. A light is on upstairs. He looks up warily.

"My sister," she says, following his gaze.

"You live with your sister?"

"Yeah, we're close. Never used to be. Kind of a recent thing. We fell out for years. But it's never too late to reconnect, you know?"

He thinks of Sirius and winces involuntarily. She looks at him quizzically.

"I have a brother," he says, "we don't get on. At all."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

There's a pause. They stand there in the cold, their minds wandering to their own little secret places. Finally, she walks up the steps and opens the door. She holds the door open as she goes inside. There's no doubt in either of their minds that he's going to follow her. They've both known it all along. As soon as he offered to walk her home, the offer for something more was on the table. He needs somewhere to be that isn't his own house and she feels sorry for him.

She heads straight upstairs and he follows her. She pokes her head into her sister's bedroom, hisses something about having company and tells her not to disturb them. He waits patiently outside and starts feeling a little bit nervous. He's had a couple of girlfriends over the years but never anything serious. And Anastasia isn't a girl; she's a woman. An experienced woman, he guesses. He's never been with anyone just for the sake of killing time before. That was always his brother's thing. If he'd had the kind of relationship you're supposed to have with your older brother, Sirius would have no doubt given him advice on how to behave in these situations. But then again, if he had Sirius, he wouldn't be stumbling through his life like a little lost boy.

Realizing he's in danger of disappearing into his own head again, Regulus quickly pulls himself back down. She's in the doorway of what he assumes is her bedroom. She beckons, pulling the most seductive face he's ever seen. He suddenly feels very self-conscious and aware of his inexperience. She notices his discomfort and gives him a much gentler smile. It puts him at ease but only ever so slightly. She leans forward, takes his hand and pulls him towards her.

They move further inside her bedroom. He can't see anything. It's completely dark. He sees her fumbling for what he thinks is some sort of muggle lighting device. He quickly reaches out and stops her. It'll be easier with the lights off. She makes an odd noise which might have been her choking back a giggle. He tenses up again.

"Relax," she whispers. He forces himself to get a grip on his nerves. They move on to the bed. She climbs on top of him. Knowing that she's going to take control of the situation is a relief. He leans back and helps her undo his shirt. Weirdly, he pictures a face in his mind. A man with a hooked nose and greasy hair. Snape. A fellow Death Eater and an old adversary of Sirius, Severus Snape was a brilliant wizard who had once given Regulus some advice on how to control his thinking and emotions. Regulus smiles to himself and mentally works on clearing his mind. Finally. He can proceed with the night's activities in the emotionless, carefree way he imagines Sirius would do it. He casts one last thought back to his mother and her stupid pureblood friends and to Sirius who disowned him and to the Dark Lord and to everything he wants to rebel against, before lying back and giving himself completely to Anastasia.


End file.
